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Not Brave Enough to Change your Life? Here’s How

As someone who has made some big life changes over the years, I often get told how brave I am.
In truth, I don’t feel brave at all.

In my opinion, there are other, much more important elements at play when we want to change our lives. Here’s what I believe you really need to get the ball rolling for change:

Good Instincts

Always follow your gut. You always know, somewhere in you, what the answers are and what direction you should go in. Even if you can’t quite work out how you know, know that you do know, and go with it. All you need to do is check in with yourself and see if it feels right.

Support
Look around you and see where you can get support from. There wil be more people and places than your first realise. It’s important to get all the support you can to give you the confidence to move forward. Whenever I made big changes that felt risky, knowing I always had someone watching my back was enough to make me feel secure with my choices.

Money

As much as we all like to say that money isn’t the most important thing, the fact is, without it, many things in life become a lot more difficult to do. I’m not saying you need a lot, but get some money saved to give you that buffer and make you feel more comfortable about stepping out.

To read the full article, visit my website by clicking here

Tags: brave, change, courage, gut, instincts, life, life change, support

Procrastination, Change and Fear – How are they all linked?

The dictionary definition of procrastination is to ‘delay or postpone action’, from the Latin procrastinare, ‘defer till the morning’.

If we stuck to the original meaning, it really wouldn’t be a problem; we’d simply get on with everything that needed to be done in the morning. Unfortunately, the modern definition finds us procrastinating for months, even years, sometimes even never getting around to things.

So what lies at the bottom of procrastination? Why is it so common and widespread? What are we afraid of?

The truth is, many people find change hard. Change means unfamiliar, and unfamiliar, to our animal brain, means danger. Danger can mean death. Therefore, change equals death. I guess it’s pretty easy to understand fear of change if you look at it from that perspective. However, we are evolved, intelligent beings with the capacity for logical thought, so why do we allow those fears to control our actions? Why do people literally waste years of their lives living unhappy and unfulfilled lives? Because they are afraid of change, therefore danger, therefore death?

Well, in reality, people don’t even know what they are afraid of most of the time. They just know that change feels uncomfortable, and so they don’t do it. If only they could get to the bottom of this discomfort, perhaps change would be much easier to tackle.

So the next time you find yourself procrastinating, ask yourself, ‘What are you really afraid of?’

Tags: afraid, change, fear, procrastination, secret

Oprah Talks to Eckhart Tolle

Eckhart Tolle: “Most people are not aware that they have a little man or woman in their heads that keeps talking and talking and whom they are completely identified with. In my case, and in many people’s cases, the voice in the head is a predominantly unhappy one, so there’s an enormous amount of negativity that is continuously generated by this unconscious internal dialogue.”

To read the full interview – click here

Indecisive? How to Break Free

The crux of indecisiveness is the fear of making the wrong choice, or more accurately, the fear of being responsible for making the wrong choice.

However, being indecisive about an important matter that needs to be dealt with is a choice, and it’s the wrong one. If it’s hard to get your head around this, think back on a situation in your past where you tolerated something for far too long before making the decision to change it – I can guess you will say something like, ‘Why did I choose to stay in that situation for so long?’ It will seem obvious to you, looking back, that your indecisiveness was indeed a choice. After all, you knew what you were doing.

Here are a few questions to help you start to work through your indecisiveness. Answer them as honestly as possible.

• What is it that you are struggling with?
• Why?
• What are you afraid of?
• What are your options?
• Which option makes you feel deflated?
• Which option makes you feel most excited?
• What’s stopping you from going with that option?
• What do you ultimately want?

Note this last one. Often it’s hard to make a decision because you really aren’t sure what outcome you want. If you get clear about this then the rest of the process happens much more easily.

If you would like to learn more about psychological studies into procrastination, look up Bluma Zeigarnik, a Russian Psychologist in the 1920′s who undertook many fascinating studies on procrastination and how to overcome it.

Tags: decision making, indecisiveness, life change, moving forward, procrastination

Self Confidence – What is the Secret of Success?

Confidence, confidence, confidence. We hear about it all the time, described in many different ways - self-confidence, self-assurance, assertiveness, self-reliance. The dictionary defines it as ‘a belief in oneself and one’s powers or abilities’. All sounds like great stuff. So how do I get some?

To those who have it, it seems like the most natural thing in the world. ”You just need to be more confident”, they say, as if those who lack it simply need to flick the magic ‘Confidence’ switch to ‘On’. But to those who lack it, it seems like the most elusive, intangible, and unattainable pot of gold at the bottom of the rainbow of life. And of course, this is true, if that’s what you believe. If you honestly don’t believe in yourself and your powers and your abilities, then confidence will remain at the bottom of that rainbow forever, always there but forever out of your reach. Because as with many things in life, being self-confident revolves around your beliefs – as the saying goes, “If you believe you can or you believe you can’t, you’re right.” Wise words from Henry Ford.

So here’s the secret: Self Confidence, in itself, is not something you can get, not something you can achieve, not even something you are lucky enough to be born with. What it is, is a by-product of something else. It is a by-product of believing in your own power, of believing in your own abilities, of believing in yourself. Self confidence comes from having positive beliefs about yourself. If your beliefs are working with you, encouraging you, supporting you, then you will become self-confident as a result. In contrast, if you have a nagging voice in your head constantly telling you that you can’t, you won’t, you’ll never, then you’ll come to believe the voice, and you won’t feel sure of yourself anymore. It’s like the difference between having a loving, nurturing parent, encouraging you along the path of life, and a negative, twisted ’friend’, who doesn’t want you to succeed, lest you become happy and leave them behind.

Okay, so we’ve gotten this far: We know that self-confidence is a by-product of our beliefs, beliefs which are chattering away in our heads, telling us ‘how things are.’ If our beliefs say nice things, we are up and away, but if they say negative things, we get stuck and scared and unsure. The point is, we believe whatever our beliefs are telling us, and we behave accordingly: confidently or deflated.

So, logically, all we need to do is make sure that the chatter in our heads is just saying nice things. Easy. Well, of course, it’s never going to be that easy, but essentially, yes, it’s true. If we can gain some control over what we tell ourselves, and therefore what we believe about ourselves, then we can start to feel more confident about who we are and what we are capable of. Of course this takes work, self-awareness, and exploration, but it is possible and it is worth it. Many people seek out counselling, life coaching, or therapy in order to do this work. How you choose to tackle it all depends on how deep-seated your lack of confidence is and how you want to approach it. If you have no idea how to approach it, then a good rule of thumb is to think about why you think you lack confidence. For example, if you had a traumatic event in your past that shattered your self-confidence, then a counsellor or therapist would be more suitable for you. If however, you have always just been a bit shy and lacking in confidence as part of your character, a life coach can work with you to improve your confidence using various coaching and cognitive techniques.

Here are a few techniques you can work on right now get you started on your way:

1. Become Aware

Your beliefs are in your head, and they are expressed by what you tell yourself in your head. Therefore it follows that to be more aware of what your beliefs are, you need to listen to the thoughts in your head. Don’t be fooled, what you consciously think you believe about yourself, and what that self talk in your head is telling you are not necessarily the same thing!

Listen carefully to what you tell yourself as you go through your day – how many times did you tell yourself you couldn’t do something, you weren’t good enough, you weren’t smart/funny/attractive enough, you didn’t have the ability to do something? You will be shocked at just how often you put yourself down in one day.

2. Challenge It

Where is this negative voice coming from? Is it you, or is it someone else in your life whose voice has become a constant critical companion? If it comes from someone else, ask yourself how much you really value this person’s opinion. Challenge this voice. Find evidence that contradicts it. Even ask it what it is trying to achieve.

3. Be Nice to You

Now that you are aware of how mean you are being to yourself, stop it!  Every time you go to say something negative about yourself, stop it! Don’t give it the space in your head. Remember, your mind will believe whatever you tell it, so don’t entertain these thoughts anymore. Of course this takes practice, but keep at it and it will start to take effect.

4. Turn it Around

Start telling yourself good, positive and kind things instead. Think about your positive attributes, your talents, your good points. Take each negative statement you used to say and turn it around into something more positive. For example, if you are not very good at something that you would like to be good at, rather than saying you are no good at it, tell yourself you can learn to do it better.

There are so many different ways to deal with a lack of confidence, but it all starts with changing what you believe about yourself. Look at any great success story in history, and that key ingredient of self belief will always be incredibly evident.

Good luck with your journey, and if you need more help or information, please feel free to contact me at contact@hightailcoaching.co.uk

Tags: assertiveness, beliefs, positive thinking, self confidence

Difficult Relationships – When there is no Give and Take

Human relationships and how we interact with each other is a subject very dear to my heart. I spend many an hour, day and week pondering over human behaviour, trying to figure out why people do the things they do: hurt each other, abuse each other, act selfishly.

When I’ve had particularly difficult relationships in my life, I’ve tended, after much time tormenting myself, to come to the conclusion that I’ll never figure it out and it’s best to just try to move on. On the one hand, that’s not a bad idea: focus on the future, don’t live in the past, forgive and forget. However, it does leave a path wide open for it all to happen all over again. So, in the back of my mind, I have always been convinced that there is another way, and I have continued with my ponderings in happier times in the hope of figuring it all out!

What I have come up with is something that is gaining more and more popularity as a concept these days. It is the idea that we need to be looking inward to fix our relationships with others, not outward. So how does that work? Surely I can’t stop that friend of mine from taking me for granted by changing myself. It’s her that’s doing something wrong, and her that needs to change. Right?

Well, yes, if someone is behaving badly, it would be nice if they stopped it and started treating you better. But the fact is, we really have very little control over others, nor should we. However, we can control ourselves. We can have control over our thoughts, behaviours, and of how we perceive and react to what is going on with other people. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but if someone is treating us badly, it is not only because we are letting them, but also because we have trained them to be this way.

WHAT? I didn’t ask for this. Why would I want someone to treat me badly? This is nuts.

Before we get all defensive, think about it. Your relationships with other people are all based around your perception of yourself, your perception of them, your slant on reality, your beliefs about what they are doing and what their intentions are. The fact is, relationships are subjective – they are viewed from your standpoint. It’s the only way you can view them. We don’t have the capacity to step outside of our consciousness and see the world with fresh eyes. Even if we try to imagine ourselves doing that, we are still imagining it from our own point of view. So therefore it is impossible to ever have a truly objective view of our relationships. We can try, and that’s great, but it’s never completely without influence from our own thoughts and minds. That’s why the saying exists, “There’s two sides to every story.” If we could all see everything as it really was, completely objectively, there would only ever be one side to every story. We would all see it the same way.

So, if our relationships are subjective, and based on our thoughts, our reactions, our behaviour, our perceptions of reality, then it follows logically that if we work on changing our internal world, then this will influence what goes on in the external world.

Let’s take a look at a common issue people have in relationships, and how we can begin to wake up to what is really going on and turn things around:

You have a friend/partner who leans heavily on you, but they are never really there for you in the way you want and need. You feel the relationship is all about your giving and them taking.

Look at this with as much of an open mind as you can. This is not about blame, it’s about waking up and seeing things more clearly.

• Have you subconsciously portrayed yourself as a strong character who doesn’t need any outside help?
• Do you refuse help as a matter of course? – “No, it’s okay, I can carry it”; “Don’t worry, I’ll sort it out” etc.
• Do you enjoy being the rock that people can come to and lean on?
• Do you like the fact that you are a good listener and are the one people come to for advice?
• Does that make you feel wanted and special, but frustrated at the same time?
• Do you say “yes” when you really want to say “No”.

There’s nothing wrong with being a giving person, but problems will arise when you are eventually exhausted with giving, and no one is there for you, giving back. When you behave in the above ways, it tells people that you can cope, that you are fine, and that you’ll always be there to help them and be the strong one. You are not giving people any clue that you also need support. And, no, unfortunately, it’s not obvious that you need support too. Research has shown that over 70% of our communication is non-verbal, and that people more readily trust non-verbal communication, so if these are the messages you are giving through your behaviour, this is what people will believe about you.

So, how can you start to change?

• Be honest with yourself about what you are doing and how this could be affecting what’s going on around you.
• Take responsibility for the things you can change.
• Understand that your issues with other people are a reflection of your issues with yourself – if someone is asking too much of you, is it because you have given them the impression you will always say ‘yes’? What goes on in the outside world is simply a call for us to address our internal world. Perhaps you need to work on being more assertive?
• Have the courage to say ‘No’ to someone who is always asking for your help/assistance/money/time
• Let someone help you when they offer
• Ask for help with something
• Prioritise your own needs before others (I mean capable adults here, not dependants).  This is not being selfish, it’s just about honouring your own needs. Very few will respect and honour your needs if you don’t do it yourself first.

Changing patterns that you have repeated for years can take time, so starting small is important. When you start to see the positive results, this will encourage you and give you the strength to push it to the next level. The key is, work on yourself first, and then the rest will fall into place. Good Luck!

Tags: assertiveness, friends, friendship, give and take, relationships

Stand Up for Yourself and Live the Life You Want

It’s common in this age of Self Help to hear terms such as ‘low self esteem’, ‘lack of self confidence’, and ‘assertiveness’ banded around. But what do they all really mean? How do you know if your self esteem is too low, or your confidence is less than it should be, or how assertive you can be before you are just plain aggressive? It’s a bit of a minefield, and there are no clear measurements, except this really simple one:

Are you happy?

Do you feel fulfilled, content, listened to, loved? Are the people in your life supportive, keeping your best interests at heart?

Or do you feel a strong sense that things just aren’t quite right? That the people in your life seem to do a lot of taking while you do all the giving? Do you find yourself in relationships over and over again where you feel taken advantage of? Are you unhappy with the way things are, but aren’t quite sure what’s wrong?

It’s quite common for people to feel like this at some points in their lives, however, if it’s an ongoing scenario, the story of your life, then it could well be pointing to low self esteem and a lack of confidence and assertiveness.

Let me explain. If you have low self esteem, you don’t value yourself very much. You have an innate sense that everyone else is more important than you. Their happiness and desires are more important than yours. You may not think this consciously, but through your behaviour, it is apparent, because you always let other people make the decisions, decide what’s best, dictate how things should be. If you believed in yourself, and were confident enough to assert yourself, you’d stand up and say, ‘No, I don’t want to do that’. But instead you say, ‘I don’t mind, whatever you want.’ Sound familiar?

So often in life, we end up living our lives based on what others want, because we haven’t got the confidence and self belief to say ‘No’. Maybe our parents expect us to live a certain life, maybe our partners would feel insecure if we changed, maybe our friends expect us to be around to solve their problems. And so we continue to live a life based on keeping them happy.

Now, of course, if you have responsibilities, it is important to honour them. This is not about abandoning areas of your life that you have committed yourself to. What this is about is standing up for yourself, putting yourself first, considering your own needs and being brave. It’s a common phenomenon that people like to put you in a box, give you a role, and if you don’t perform as they expect, they react – maybe they get moody, maybe they get angry, but you can bet they’ll make you feel bad for daring to upset their reality.

What you must remember is, if you do have people in your life who make you feel like you have a role to perform –  ever-supporting partner, agony aunt friend, successful offspring – and they make you feel guilty if you don’t perform, then who’s needs are they considering? Their Own!

And if you are considering their needs, and they are considering their needs, then who’s looking after you? This is how you get stuck in a cycle of not living the life you want: you live to please everyone else, but no one is pleasing you.

Let’s look at some of the reasons why you might fall into this trap, and what you can do about it:

You have been raised to believe that thinking of yourself is selfish

Thinking of yourself is not selfish; thinking only of yourself, to the detriment of others, is selfish. Remember, we are talking about adults here, people who can take care of themselves. Don’t let anyone make feel like you have a responsibility to make them happy. That is their responsibility. Putting your happiness as a priority is not being selfish.

You don’t have the confidence to stand up and say ‘no’

There is no easy way around this one. If you find you are suffering in life because you are too afraid to stand up for yourself, you need to do something about it.

There are many useful methods you can employ to help with this, such as rehearsing the conversation beforehand, being clear about what you want and why, and remaining calm. Or start small, be more assertive in less important areas of your life, and build up your confidence slowly.

But the crux of this is that you are afraid to say ‘no’ to someone. Why? Are you afraid that they won’t like you anymore? This is a risk, or course, but in your heart of hearts, you know that someone who rejects you because you stand up for yourself is not someone you need in your life. Anyone worth having in your life will respect you for standing up for yourself.

You hate confrontation and want to keep the peace

If you can’t trust someone to have a reasonable, grown up conversation without it breaking into an argument, you should consider just how healthy this relationship is. A healthy, loving relationship should allow both parties to communicate openly without fear of aggression or manipulation. However, that’s not to say that these confrontational relationships don’t exist. If you find yourself having to manage a situation with some like this, then try to remain logical, reasonable and calm. It’s hard to argue with someone who keeps a cool head.

A great tactic to diffuse an argument is to keep telling the other person that they are right. If you do this, there is no counter argument, and they quickly run out of things to shout. Try it, it works so well it’s even kind of fun.

You feel that other people’s happiness is more important than your own

This one is difficult, as on the surface, it makes a person look decent and caring. And of course this may be true. But there is something inherently wrong if you think that your happiness is not as important as someone else’s. If this is the case, think long and hard about why you feel that way, and be on the lookout for excuses to justify your behaviour:

“I’m just really laid back”  – This could also be viewed as being a pushover

“I really don’t mind where we eat/go/holiday/live”  – It can start small, but in the end could find yourself compromising on very big decisions

“I want to see the people I love being happy”  – Admirable, just make sure they are returning the favour

If you find you are constantly in situations where you give in to what others want, then you are not valuing yourself enough. And the hard part to swallow is, neither is anyone else. Unless you stand up for yourself and live the life you want, no one else is going to do it for you.

Final Thought – Remember, you can’t change other people in your life, but you can change yourself. You can change your reactions, who you chose to spend time with and what you allow to happen.

If you want more help with self esteem, confidence or assertiveness issues, a Life Coach can help you to work out what your issues are and how you can overcome them. They will also keep you accountable, so that if you start to slip back into old habits, there is someone there to keep you moving forward. And more importantly, there is someone there who is always on your side.

Recommended Book: Read ‘They Fuck You Up’ by Oliver James to learn more about roles within the family and how to break free

Tags: assertivness, self confidence, self esteem, stand up for yourself

Values – What are your Personal Values, and Why is it Important to Honour Them?

A person’s values are what makes them who they truly are, and what is truly important to        them. They are what must be true and present in someone’s life in order for them to be happy. Values are totally personal, and if a person honours their values, they feel happy and fulfilled. If they do not honour them, they feel conflicted, unhappy and at a loss, often not even recognising why. Knowledge and understanding of one’s values helps a person to remain true to themselves and not waver at the slightest outside influence –

‘Values are important. Without them we would be easily persuaded, moved or changed’ – Barry McCormick

‘If we are not consistent in what we see as the right thing to do, we become a drifter and sometimes take on the values of whoever we happen to be with, even though we know deep inside it is wrong’ – Pamela Kay

However, values have nothing to do with morals or ethics – they can be anything that is important to a person, from feeling successful to having integrity. They do not have to be in line with social values, organisational values, or religious values, they simply have to be in line with the individual.

Values are intangible – they are not something you can do or have. You may value something that you do or have, but your true value, your core value, is the feeling that you get from having that thing in your life. A woman might love to go sailing, for instance, her weekly visits to the marina being a pastime she values, but in truth, it is the feelings that this activity gives her that express her core values – Independence/Freedom/Peace. It is these core values that need to be upheld to keep the woman feeling fulfilled and happy, and these core values will have relevance in all aspects of her life.

In order to feel happy and fulfilled, it is important to identify your core values. You can do this by working out what feelings you strive to have in your life as a matter of course, and what, if it isn’t present, makes you feel unhappy or lost.

Putting your values in order of priority is the next essential step. Why? Because people generally have many core values, but even within these, there is a hierarchy, a level of importance. Two people may have similar core values, like security and freedom; however, they may lead very different lives if one holds security as a much higher value than freedom, and the other vice versa. This is why it is important not only to identify your core values, but also to identify which priority they come in.

With all of this information at hand, you have a much higher chance of living a fulfilled life. You now have a map of your world, with all the important places highlighted. You are no longer travelling blind on the journey of life.

To Thine own Self be True – William Shakespeare

Tags: fulfillment, Values